I don't blog...but I might

I’ve never been a big fan of blogging. I must come from some old-school where they teach you that any display of ego is just unacceptable, that you must be selfless (and conversely, “otherful”) if you want to earn a spot in heaven. Blogging to me is the ironic response to all the hoopla on privacy, so while others enact laws to protect individual privacy, bloggers continually shred the privacy curtain to pieces with an announcement and an invitation to read. In the end, however, I would tell you this: I’m just deathly scared of how others would perceive me based on my thoughts and ideas (which, by the way, veer on evil) and my seeming lack of mastery on the use of this language we call English. Petrified,  too, that the morality police would swoop down on me and, in one quick flourish, handcuff my hands (whose fingers now show signs of carpal tunnel) in order to prevent them from churning out pseudo-intellectual,  grammatically-incorrect and offensive material ever again. If you egg me, I would also tell you that I don’t blog because I am ashamed of the person I am, for reasons that will be revealed IF I continue blogging. Because I AM blogging now and surprised that I’m enjoying it. Maybe this holds promise. Maybe…and this is more likely…it’s just a passing fancy, one that I would tire of sooner than you can ask, “What’s next?” If I am to carry on, I must be able to overcome my fear of myself. And, boy, that won’t be an easy hurdle. My paranoia has grown to epic proportions; I have reason to believe I sabotage my own life. (For one thing I notice I haven’t separated my blog into paragraphs–why would anyone bother to read one continuous rant with no pauses in between? I run out of breath just thinking about it!) Another–more prosaic–reason why I think this attempt to blog would not last long nor succeed is this: Nothing in my life is worth your time to read. My life is trite, pedestrian, and unimaginative as unleavened bread (you’ll get no rise from me that’s for sure! hahaha)…
On the other hand, I’m known to surprise even myself for nuggets of wisdom I manage to contrive from my experiences; for humorous takes on otherwise insipid subjects; and for suspending an audience’s disbelief long enough to be heard.
Which brings me to this: In my life, I strive to do good. I say that all the time. Sadly, because I am human, I am constantly caught in a tug-of-war between good and evil and where, of late, the evil wins over the good. It’s nothing to be proud of. But for admitting that, I believe I have become a better person. So hang out with me, will ya, and see how I tip the balance.


(written August 30, 2008)